Resolved Question: what do you think of these,too old or not?

a couple were asleep in bed when they were both woken up by their neighbours dog barking,after 20 minutes the man said to his wife that he'd had enough and was going downstairs to sort it out,5 minutes later he came back upstairs and said to his wife " i've tied their dog up in our garden,let's see how they like it" bloke went in a sweet shop and asked for a packet of helicopter crisps,the shopkeeper told him that they didn't sell them so the bloke said "ok,i'll have a packet of plain" smiths the pie makers managed to only make 1 apple tart last month,a disappointed spokesman said " it was a really small turnover" a man went to the doctors and said he thought he was a dog,the doctor asked him to lay on the couch and the man replied "i'm not allowed on the furniture" a rich couple decide to advertise in their local paper for a handyman to do some jobs around the house,a man knocks on the door and tells the owner that he's come about the ad in the paper,the owner asks him if he can do some plumbing to which the man says no,the owner then asks him if he can do some electrical jobs,again the answer is no,the owner then asks him if he can do some decorating jobs,yet again the answer is no,the owner has had enough and asks the man " for fcuk sake,what's handy about you" to which the man replies "i only live around the corner" a married woman thinks to give her husband a sexy surprise for when he gets home from work so decides to just wear her crotchless panties and nothing else,when he gets home she's positioned herself on the settee with her legs spread open and says " hello big boy,how would you like to lick this", the husband looks at her and says " no way,look what it done to the crutch of your knickers" an eskimo is having trouble with his car so takes it to the garage,while he's waiting for it to be looked at he decides to get some refreshment and orders a 99,which he manages to get all over his moustache,he then goes back and the mechanic says " you've blown a seal" to which the eskimo replies "no,it's ice cream" the owner of a very small company has to lay off one of his 2 workers but can't decide which one,he has the idea of monitoring their working habits before he makes a decision,he notices that jack arrives 20 minutes early for work,has no tea breaks and works later than he should,the next day he monitors jill,she arrives late for work,jill has got a bad headache so keeps going out for painkillers and she leaves early,he gets jill in the office the next day and says " i've got to lay you or jack off" to which she replies"you'll have to jack off,i've still got a headache" last christmas eve i was in bed trying to get to sleep when i could hear music coming from downstairs in the front room, i went down to investigate but it was only my wrapping paper more

Resolved Question: what about these old favourite jokes?

a couple were asleep in bed when they were both woken up by their neighbours dog barking,after 20 minutes the man said to his wife that he'd had enough and was going downstairs to sort it out,5 minutes later he came back upstairs and said to his wife " i've tied their dog up in our garden,let's see how they like it" bloke went in a sweet shop and asked for a packet of helicopter crisps,the shopkeeper told him that they didn't sell them so the bloke said "ok,i'll have a packet of plain" smiths the pie makers managed to only make 1 apple tart last month,a disappointed spokesman said " it was a really small turnover" a man went to the doctors and said he thought he was a dog,the doctor asked him to lay on the couch and the man replied "i'm not allowed on the furniture" a rich couple decide to advertise in their local paper for a handyman to do some jobs around the house,a man knocks on the door and tells the owner that he's come about the ad in the paper,the owner asks him if he can do some plumbing to which the man says no,the owner then asks him if he can do some electrical jobs,again the answer is no,the owner then asks him if he can do some decorating jobs,yet again the answer is no,the owner has had enough and asks the man " for fcuk sake,what's handy about you" to which the man replies "i only live around the corner" a married woman thinks to give her husband a sexy surprise for when he gets home from work so decides to just wear her crotchless panties and nothing else,when he gets home she's positioned herself on the settee with her legs spread open and says " hello big boy,how would you like to lick this", the husband looks at her and says " no way,look what it done to the crutch of your knickers" an eskimo is having trouble with his car so takes it to the garage,while he's waiting for it to be looked at he decides to get some refreshment and orders a 99,which he manages to get all over his moustache,he then goes back and the mechanic says " you've blown a seal" to which the eskimo replies "no,it's ice cream" the owner of a very small company has to lay off one of his 2 workers but can't decide which one,he has the idea of monitoring their working habits before he makes a decision,he notices that jack arrives 20 minutes early for work,has no tea breaks and works later than he should,the next day he monitors jill,she arrives late for work,jill has got a bad headache so keeps going out for painkillers and she leaves early,he gets jill in the office the next day and says " i've got to lay you or jack off" to which she replies"you'll have to jack off,i've still got a headache" last christmas eve i was in bed trying to get to sleep when i could hear music coming from downstairs in the front room, i went down to investigate but it was only my wrapping paper more